dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
