Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
