WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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