Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hippo gnu deer
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
