Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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