I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
