Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
