I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
