I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
