Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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