Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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