Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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