how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
