Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
