there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
