he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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