i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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