I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
