Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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