Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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