last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
