I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
