The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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