How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
