Just cropdusted the office
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
