Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
