when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
