I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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