Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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