i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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