he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
