Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I skipped work to stalk him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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