So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
