Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sobbing to NWA
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
