Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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