As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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