it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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