You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
