we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Found the puke drawer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
