nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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