I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
