and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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