I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
