Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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