I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
