My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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