I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
