She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
