i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
