I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
