I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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