Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
