i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
