I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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