i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
