so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
