Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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