I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
