It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
