i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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