I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
