It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Found your dick twin last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
